


selfish desire

by swagikins



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Fix-It, I love them so much, Post-Canon Fix-It, Spoilers, if that’s what this is, skinny love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21943300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swagikins/pseuds/swagikins
Summary: Then, he felt a longing, so big, and so great, almost possessive and nearly animalistic, of wanting to know her. He wanted to know her thoughts, he wanted to know her inside and out; he wanted to know who she was, outside of being a Jedi, outside of this war that he was the sole ignitor of. He wanted to know her favorite food, her favorite color. Goddamn it, he wanted to understand her, after she sought out in understanding him for so long.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 6
Kudos: 88





	1. Ben

**Author's Note:**

> Ben Solo deserved better >:[
> 
> Unedited and merry Chrysler

Ben Solo was hurting; he had to use what little strength he had to pull himself, one-armed, back onto the ledge that he had been launched off of. On his way back up, all he saw and heard was a flash and a bang. And then—silence. 

It was quiet. The base was slowly crumbling, collapsing, bits and pieces of marble and stone and metal falling around him and around the figure before him, in the center of the floor, who wasn’t moving.

His eyes narrowed so he could see more clearly through the thick layer of dust and mist clouding the air before him. He hobbled forward, an arm wrapping around himself, and he hobbled forward some more, before he could nearly feel the heavy lead of anguish blow a hole in his stomach from how deep it set.

He hurried towards Rey, limping on one foot—nearly collapsing before he even made it to her—and kneeled. He was bewildered. He didn’t think...he didn’t know...this wasn’t supposed to happen?

She was the Scavenger. She was what his masters sought after for so long because she was so big and bad and scary to both Snoke and Palpatine and could tear them both down. Which, she did, really. She was that fire in the darkness of the void, so annoying and persistent in standing her ground and just making herself known, and was that annoying enough itself. But, it was a warm and familiar kind of annoying. It was familiar enough that in his current state of mind, after abandoning what he knew for most of his life, he didn’t want to lose it. He didn’t understand what anything else was now, except for her.

Ben fell over a little, mouth agape as he stared at Rey’s lifeless body. Her signature in the Force, that warmth? He didn’t feel it. It was gone. Snuffed out, as if someone pinched the wick of a candle. He shuffled forward and scooped her up, tucking his hands underneath her and hoisting her into his lap and into a sitting position.

His eyes scavenged any inch of her face. Maybe she was faking it? Or maybe she was just unconscious? With her eyes open? Unlikely—

His eyes searched, his voice, stuck in his throat with a choke of surprise at the fact that she really wasn’t here. He was holding a shell of her. And so, he hugged her. Brought her flushed against his chest, and tucked his chin over her shoulder. She was still a little warm.

They hadn’t really talked much, outside of their bond, and outside of their obliged Jedi vs. Jedi Killer relationship. They had only exchanged words of spite, and then occasional words of attempting convincing to bring the other one to their side of the war. He, now that he thought about it, didn’t know much about her except for her lineage and her time of being, well, a Scavenger. Then, he felt a longing, so big, and so great, almost possessive and nearly animalistic, of wanting to know her. He wanted to know her thoughts, he wanted to know her inside and out; he wanted to know who she was, outside of being a Jedi, outside of this war that he was the sole ignitor of. He wanted to know her favorite food, her favorite color. Goddamn it, he wanted to understand her, after she sought out in understanding him for so long.

This is what those feelings he had were. Now, he understood, the large ball of tangled up, knotted, indescribable feelings he had to push away to the back of his head? This is it. He felt something for Rey, and now wanted to expand it. He wanted to really understand what this all meant.

He suddenly had what seemed like an epiphany. He recalled Rey using the Force to heal him after their duel on the ruins of the Death Star. Ben wondered..how did she do it...did she...she used her life Force? Was that it? Surely, it had to be. So—he could do it too, if he remembered his old Jedi lessons from so long ago. He was frantic to remember, and when he did, somewhat, he leaned back, and looked at Rey. He was going to make this work. If he fucked this up, it would be the biggest mistake he’s made; out of everything he’s done, the most villainous thing he were to do to this galaxy was to let her die, and the story of hope along with her.

He shuffled her around, so that her back was resting against his lap and he was gently grasping the back of her head so that it didn’t fall back. His other hand, slowly trailed over her so that it rested on her stomach, and he let out a shaky breath. This was how she did it, right? 

He closed his eyes.

He inhaled,

and then exhaled.

.  
.  
.

.

.

His eyes were closed for what felt like an eternity. He was so scared that he just looked stupid, an idiotic fool just laying here, holding a dead girl in his lap, with a hand on her stomach. He felt his hands start to tingle, almost painfully enough that he couldn’t feel them—until he felt a gentle touch against his knuckles.

Rey brought her hand up, laying it atop Ben’s as she slowly sat up, and her eyes fluttered open. Now, he could feel it. It was as if he was pouring himself into her; that tingle in his hand was partially the cause of transferring his life force to her. He was almost so relieved to see that he was actually doing something right, for once, that he almost stopped out of being distracted.

Ben was almost like a giddy child. Rey sat up some more, now mostly supporting herself. Her eyes were full of that fire, that annoying flame; they twinkled as they stared at him. He was almost scared, almost frightened when a look of suspicious confusion crossed her face. Was she...

“Ben,” she said. A smile curled onto her lips, and she looked happy to see him. If that was a genuine smile, then it was the first one he’s seen since his old Jedi lessons with Luke Skywalker. It was an oddity, and it’s something he would see in his dreams for eons.

Rey’s hand found its way up Ben’s front to lightly caress at his face. The mark along his face, the one Rey marred him with herself; she lightly ran her thumb over the bottom part of it, feeling the rigid skin that he was now forced to carry as a part of him until the day he died. From the lower, underside part of his law up to just above his right eyebrow, this is what Ben had to remind him of their first fight.

Ben’s heart was beating so loud, it almost drowned out the sound of the thunder and lightning above and outside. It was beating so hard, he thought it would pop a hole through his chest, breaking each of his ribs and tearing both of his lungs in half in the process. He was a garbled mess, his head for certain—her eyes were just studying him, and his expression, and what he was doing, probably wondering what he was thinking—which wasn’t anything comprehensible, except for thank the Force she’s here or I must be dreaming or she looks so fucking beautiful with the makeup of victory and happiness on her face—

And she stared at this one spot on Ben’s face, which he wouldn’t have guessed was his lips. He was about to say something in return, and his lips parted, daring to speak, but he ended up saying nothing.

She kissed him. She had hesitated, of course, but he couldn’t tell if she hesitated because she didn’t know if he would reciprocate the kiss or if she shouldn’t kiss him at all. But she kissed him, and she tasted of ship engine smoke and blood and sweat, and he almost felt high off of it because he didn’t realize that this is what his feelings made him want, and he didn’t realize that this is something he wanted himself, and—

Then Rey pulled away, and he could feel her breathing a little heavily. He decided not to wonder if it was because she was just dead and revived, or because of the kiss. It was definitely a rush, and he definitely felt a little dizzy because of it; but as Rey leaned her forehead against his, her eyes falling to the space between them, he felt a small laugh well up in his chest. 

He couldn’t help but have a smile on his face. He shook his head a little, reveling in this foreign bloom of comfortability and contentment in his chest. How could this be? Two, three, four years ago, this was something that he would have never thought to happen between Kylo Ren and the Scavenger. This would have been blasphemy, it would have burned his ears and turned his brain to mush in fury and disgust. 

But now, it made his head spin.

Because he was actually dizzy, and his head was really spinning.

He looked up at Rey, and the newfound smile on his lips dropped into a look of “oh,” and he fell back on an elbow before he fell back completely. His head hit the concrete beneath him with a thud, nearly cracking his skull.

Rey, in a sheer fit of panic and anxiety, realized what was happening, it seemed.

Did Ben do it wrong? Did he...mess it up? 

He couldn’t...

...figure it out..

.

.  
.

Rey inhaled sharply and reached out to Ben before he hit the ground. As he collided with the ground, Rey’s hand shackled itself to Ben’s shirt and her other hand gripped his shoulder like a chain clamped around the wrist of a prisoner. He couldn’t hear it, he couldn’t hear anything, but a hoarse “No!” ripped itself from Rey’s throat, and there was a hard pulse in his arm from where Rey’s hand was.

The same pulse reverberated in his chest, where Rey’s hand touched, and he had to cough up air, because his eyes suddenly flew open and he took in a large, heavy breath. Suddenly, he felt invigorated. He felt as if he was breathing the air of an old age, a planet with oxygen levels above average. Ben’s head wasn’t on the verge of toppling off, and he wasn’t feeling lightheaded anymore.

He sat up, ever so slowly onto his elbows, with Rey clutching at the hem of his shirt, her head down. He groaned a little. After looking at his hands, and his abdomen, he looked further down to see Rey visibly shaken—visibly shaking. After a moment or two, she sniffled, and looked up, a strand of her hair falling over tear-streaked cheeks and watery eyes.

“Rey?”


	2. Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend wanted Rey’s pov so I decided to post this here, hope it’s not too terribly bad cause I don’t like writing in Rey’s POV ahahaaaaa
> 
> Unedited, but will edit soon, and happy new year

_I’m so...._

__

__

_...Tired..._

Rey collapsed to her knees. The air around her now seemed colder. It bit at her exposed skin, the fabric of her clothes torn and ripped at the edges, letting the cold air crawl up her shoulders and down her back like a spider. It gave her goosebumps.

She felt tired. She felt...overused. But she did it! She defeated the creepy hermit everyone was too scared of to defeat themselves. She didn’t see what was so bad about it, though. He was just a stinky, old and wrinkly man. More like an ashy piece of poop from some ugly organic life form from a planet far from Exegol. A piece of white ashy poop, too. With pieces of corn in it—that would be his eyes. But nonetheless, the bastard was gone. 

She shivered from the chill of the atmosphere, but that was all that happened; the Skywalker lightsabers fell from her hands, clinking on the moistened stone and rolling a few inches away from her before she fell over unceremoniously on her side, her eyesight dulling and darkening until everything was a blur, and the blur lost its color, and she lost her ability to see altogether.

The faint drip dripping of the underground base’s stalactites was the last thing she heard. It was almost reverberating, repeating itself in her head, until she noticed that that dripping sound sounded like a drum when it echoed. And then the drum turned into a pulse, and the pulse started to slow. Then it just stopped? 

Yeah. It stopped.

Everything was just dark. What could she do? She tried to raise her arm, and she did! But—she couldn’t see it? It almost felt as if it was disconnected. Shit, it almost felt as if she were floating. It almost made her puke.

But..really, she was content with herself. If this was how she was gonna go, then by all means, she will go. Her hands can be washed free of the blood that’s been shed for this battle and the battles before this one. She can wash the grimy blood off of her hands, her arms, her face, her neck. And she was thankful for her friends, who were willing to even follow her here. If she hadn’t come up with that stupid plan to turn on the tracker in Master Skywalker’s x-wing, then who knows what would have happened. They damn sure wouldn’t have been able to stop her grandfather in time to save the gosh darn galaxy.

But they did it. So everything’s okay.

Everything is alright. 

...

. . .

.  
.  
.

.

.

.

.

Rey felt as if she were asleep. 

And then violently woken up, shaken until her bones fell out of their sockets and she was a bag of jello-like slime.

Her soul felt as if it were falling, and then it hit a cold, concrete, damp floor—the floor of the Sith base on Exegol—and then her hands, her feet, her arms and her legs started to tingle. She inhaled a breath as if she was a damn newborn baby. 

And then...she felt it. Someone’s hand was placed gingerly atop her stomach, fingers splayed and they were feeding her their life force. Why in the world would someone do that? 

She hesitantly lifted her left hand, using what little strength was coming back to her to rest it on this stranger’s hand. They jumped a little; she felt it, as it ran through their whole body. They seemed nervous, but...determined? The steady flow of life force never faltered.

And then—she could see. And she fluttered her eyes, focusing on someone with unruly thick hair and a bloody lip and green eyes that were too focused on what they were doing. And then, they focused on her.

Rey slowly, gently sat up, trying not to fall over again in the arms of her savior. 

It was..Kylo Ren? She felt like she should scramble back, and shove his hands away and off because this man was this man has only wanted nothing but to cause her chaos and drag her through the mud.

But...something felt different. It took a moment for her brain to click, and the right neurons to fire, before she realized that her bond to this man was alive, blazing, stronger than before; because this vibe she was getting was not Kylo Ren. It was Ben.

Ben!

“Ben,” Rey said with a smile. Her voice felt hoarse, and she swore she sounded like a man. But who cares! 

She took the time to grasp that he had saved her. Brought her back from death. Something in her stirred, and she studied his face; from the scar that she regretfully gave to him from one of their first encounters on Starkiller Base (which she thought only made him look more attractive, but she still regret hurting him in such a way nonetheless), to the faint freckles along his nose and under his eyes. 

Something else in her stirred, and she suddenly felt moved—no, encouraged to bring her hand up, and place her palm against his cheek, light as a feather. She wanted to be gentle. After today, and whatever demons he’s been fighting, Ben Solo deserved gentleness. 

Her heart swelled in that moment. She felt so...proud of him. She felt genuine happiness that Ben Solo came back to life. Ben looked alive, with warmth in his cheeks and a strong heartbeat in his chest and air coming from his lungs, that she glanced down at his lips, her gaze lingering, and then she just...kissed him.

Ben seemed a little caught off guard, but she felt him reciprocate the kiss, almost in a fiercely manner, and she couldn’t feel more content. His lips were unnaturally soft, for someone who’s always been the force behind Rey’s lingering doom.

She was the one to pull away, and rested her forehead on his. She was a out of breath. Rey felt like she needed tank after tank of oxygen, and she couldn’t decipher if it was because of just being dead, or kissing someone she’d never thought she’d kiss, or she had so much running rampant in her head, she couldn’t—couldn’t contain the clutter.

Ben gave a small smile of his own. And for once, Rey had never felt so proud. By the Force, she could say that over and over again. Her bondmate gave a genuine smile, and his eyes lingered on the space between them, and he fiddled with his hands in his lap. Rey could sense that he was feeling...happy. She could sense that he was also nervous; for what, she couldn’t pinpoint, but that was something to worry about for a later time. And then she sensed him feeling uneasy. She didn’t worry about it either. Maybe it was unimportant.

But then, something felt wrong to Rey, before it even happened. Something felt horribly wrong.

Then it happened.

Ben furrowed his brow, eyes narrowed a little before he fell back. His elbows caught his fall, and his eyes started to cloud over. Rey started to feel panic set in. Her heart started to beat so hard and so fast she heard it in her ears, and she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what was happening.

This dumbass, this _idiot_ must have given her too much life force. Too much of his life force. She couldn’t have a moment where things were alright, could she? Rey couldn’t just be content with anything these days. But...Ben deserved to live. She knew that Leia, her Master, would have wanted him to live. She could feel it in the Force, when Leia used the last of her strength to call to her son, Rey felt that she wanted, she expected, for Ben to live on. Rey couldn’t let that go to waste! 

She didn’t know what to do after the final battle. Ben and herself were the only ones in this base, and...Rey didn’t know what to do! She didn’t...want to be alone—

She hated being alone.

But, she didn’t—know—what to do—

Ben started to fall some more. Rey grabbed at his shirt, and grabbed at his arm, gripping so hard she thought for a moment she’d shattered his shoulder; but his head hit the ground, and she felt as if she was going to cry. She started to feel tears well up in her eyes. She felt something click in her head, and she let out a small gasp, and frantic “No!”

“No—!”

She panicked. It was as if the little Reys in her head pressed the big red button that wasn’t supposed to be pushed, and she pushed something into Ben with the Force. She gave back a little bit of that life he had given her, twice; once in his arm, and once in his chest, right above his heart. She had furiously given this pulse of life force, desperate to keep him here—wanting to not let him go, for the sake of Han and Leia and Luke and—herself—

Her head collapsed, falling onto her forearms. Tears trailed down her cheeks, and she sniffled. She felt Ben shift under her arms, sitting up, she assumed, and she didn’t bother wiping at her eyes as she looked up.

More tears fell down her face. She felt a little embarrassed. But; Ben was still here. The tremble in her hands could stop. He was still here.

“Rey?”

Rey let out a feeble chuckle. She leaned back a little and wiped at her eyes with the palm of her hand. She tucked her messy hair behind her ears, the baby hairs that fell out of her buns, and wiped at her eyes again.

“Hi, Ben.”

Ben looked at her with this glint in his eye. He studied her, it seemed, and he looked down at her hands, and then at his hands, and shuffled forward on his ass a little to gently grab her hand with his. His hand seemed to dwarf hers—oh, gods—and he intertwined their fingers, letting his thumb rest against the back of her hand as it swirled circles into her pale skin.

“Are you alright?” Ben asked. His voice was a little raspy, and she assumed it was from the cold. 

Rey looked down at their hands, feeling a sense of security. 

“I’m okay.”


End file.
